Now the Paranoia Sets In

My next ultrasound isn’t until next Friday (the 13th, of course).

Meanwhile, I’m still symptom spotting like a mofo.

The Good: My boobs hurt, and I’m pretty tired all the time.

The Bad: That’s it. I feel like I was way more nauseous by now when I was pregnant with my now-toddler (but that could have started closer to 8 weeks? Damn it, why didn’t I write that down somewhere!). Food was pretty unappealing about a week ago (which made me happy) but now I just feel ravenous all the damn time (and I feel like that’s a bad sign?)

Logically, I know that once you see a heartbeat, your risk of miscarrying is pretty low.

I also know that every pregnancy is different.

Plus, there are all those ladies who end up on TLC giving birth on toilets because they had no idea they were even pregnant — so I guess my point is, not every pregnant person always feels pregnant.

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Now the Paranoia Sets In

Waiting 

I had my fourth beta draw this morning. 

My RE’s office wasn’t crowded, so I’m hoping I get the call earlier rather than later. 

My superstitious brain thinks earlier is better. Betas 1 and 2, I got the call before noon. Beta 3, came after 2. And all day that day I thought, “she’s waiting to call me last, because the news must be bad.”

So earlier is better, I hope. 

Despite all that, I’m surprisingly calm. 

1) The pressure is off this time, since I have a beautiful 2-year-old. I’m still fertility-challenged, but I’m not barren anymore. 

2) If the numbers are bad today, then it’s likely a chromosonal issue (we opted against PGS due to cost) and we knew that was a possibility. There’s nothing I could’ve done differently to change the outcome, and that is a relief. 

And so, we wait. 

Waiting 

Oh God, I Forgot What This Was Like

It’s been three-ish years since my last embryo transfer, and I’ve totally forgotten the insanity that follows. 

Did it work?! Of course it worked! No, it didn’t work. If it didn’t work, we’ll just try again. If it did work, what if I lose it? What if I have a baby on Christmas Day?! If it worked, when will we tell people? 

When can I start testing? Should I test early? I don’t want to get my hopes up. But I want to manage expectations. 

Last time I had tiny little twinges and pulls. When did those start? Should they have started by now? Oh god, it didn’t work. But I took naps yesterday and today, so maybe it did work. 

We should have transferred two. No, one was better. Twins scare the bejesus out of me. Oh, but twins would mean we were done-done. But it would also mean I’d be a crazy person for like four years. 

Was that a twinge?! Or was it gas? Why don’t my boobs hurt yet? It didn’t work. But they say every pregnancy is different, maybe I won’t feel pregnant at all, but it did work!

It’s been two days. 

Oh God, I Forgot What This Was Like

Phew!

Went into the RE this morning for my CD3 and (of course!) they found a cyst on my right ovary. 

I’m no stranger to cycsts, but after countless cycles with my RE in the last four years, I’ve never actually had one pop up in the middle of a treatment cycle. 

The on-call doctor (who I despise) said they’d have to wait for my blood work to come back this afternoon before they could say for sure if I’d have to skip another cycle. 

I assumed, because that’s just my luck, that of course I’d have to skip another cycle. 

Color me surprised that they called a few minutes ago and gave me the go-ahead to start my del estrogen tonight!

Lining check in two weeks, and FET on 4/8!

Phew!

Unexpected. 

A month ago, we had to skip our first IVF cycle back because I fucked up and forgot to get some lab work done. 

My nurse and I agreed, I should wait 30 days and then come in for no-menses bloodwork (because my cycles are always super long) so I could start my meds to bring on a new cycle, and I was tentatively scheduled for my FET on April 25. 

I ran the numbers, and if we were successful, I’d be due in mid-January. Good, I thought, not right in the middle of the holidays. 

I went in yesterday. Got up bright and early, had my blood drawn, and grabbed some breakfast before running some errands. 

Then I came home, peed, and realized I was spotting. 

Weird. Maybe it’s just a fluke though. But I called my nurse and gave her a heads up. She told me if I got my period for real over the weekend to come in on Monday for monitoring and we could get started right away. 

And wouldn’t you know it, Aunt Flo is here! On HER OWN! And with a fucking vengeance, might I add. Thirty days, exactly!

This NEVER happens. Countless rounds of clomid, and IUIs, and multiple rounds of IVF and not ONE started without prescription hormones. Left to my own devices, my baby maker could wait 60-100 days between cycles. 

And so today is CD1-ish, and I am shocked. I thought, and planned around, this happening in two more weeks. 

If my math is correct, my FET would be 4/11. 

That would make my due date New Years Day. 

But, oh, I’ve already been assured I’ll be delivered no later than 39 weeks. Also known as Christmas Day. 

So much for avoiding the holidays I guess. Fingers crossed for an extra present under the tree this year. 

Unexpected. 

Are You Pregnant

Family Game night, a few days ago, those were the first words out of my cousin’s mouth when she saw me.

No, I’m not. But I AM thinking about throwing this new shirt in the garbage, so thank you.

I know people mean well, and they’re excited I want to have another baby, but how is that EVER an appropriate question to ask someone? ESPECIALLY when you know they have a history of infertility?

“But you’re doing the fun part, right?!” was the follow-up question (in a room, that included my entire family).

Ummm, sure. Occasionally. I mean, we work, and have a two-year-old. AND ALSO WE DIDN’T GET PREGNANT THAT WAY FOR THREE YEARS, REMEMBER?!

And that’s why I’m blogging anonymously now. And being intentionally vague about my IVF timeline to people in the loop.

I’m tentatively scheduled for a FET on April 25. If it works, I’d be due in mid-January.

Are You Pregnant